Expectant parents experienced parents, and even those considering having children are often influenced by the notion that maternal instinct is something all women inherently possess. So, what exactly is maternal instinct, and why has this concept persisted for so long?
1. What is Maternal Instinct?
Dr. Catherine Monk, a psychologist and professor of medical psychology in the departments of psychiatry and obstetrics and gynecology at Columbia, states: “The term 'instinct' refers to something innate—a fixed behavioral response to certain stimuli in specific contexts.”
Based on this definition, Monk states that the idea of maternal instinct implies an innate knowledge and a set of caregiving behaviors that are an automatic part of becoming a mother.
However, in reality, the idea of maternal instinct may have been exaggerated beyond its actual basis. History has led us to believe that maternal instinct is the driving force that makes us want to have children and then instinctively know exactly what to do when the baby arrives.
However, Monk suggests that for a mother or anyone raising an infant or young child, learning on the job—through guidance, good role models, and observing what works and what does not for each child—is the most crucial factor.
This “learning on the job” process begins as soon as a child is born. This is the moment when many people assume that maternal instinct will emerge, leading to an immediate bond between mother and child.
Instead, according to a 2018 study, these affectionate feelings develop a few days after birth, with some women taking up to several months to experience them.
When these affectionate feelings do not occur immediately or take longer to develop, many mothers feel like failures. You may think this is a sign that you lack maternal instinct. In reality, they simply need support and assistance to develop their child-rearing skills more practically.
2. Is the maternal instinct a myth?
According to Dr. Monk, the idea of maternal instinct is largely a myth. She states that an individual, regardless of gender or sexual orientation, can develop and maintain a keen sense of their child throughout their development. However, this ability is distinct from maternal instinct.
For instance, a parent, be it a father or a mother, can quickly discern the specific meaning behind an infant's cry. They can also easily recognize behavioral changes signaling transitions in toddlers. This continues as the child grows older when parents may find it difficult to be in their adolescent's room when it is too quiet.
Dr. Monk explains: "The maternal instinct or a woman's sixth sense for a child and their needs comes from intense closeness and deep love, spending hours and thinking about the child. It involves seeing the signs due to the bond the mother has built with the child, not an instinctual understanding of motherhood. And it is not limited to mothers.”
Psychotherapist Dr. Dana Dorfman agrees that many aspects of the maternal instinct are a myth. Dr. Dorfman says: "A mother's intuition or innate sense of a baby's needs may be attributed to experience, temperament, and attachment style."
Many aspects of child-rearing are learned through observation or on-the-job experience. Dorfman points out: "Breastfeeding, diaper changing, and feeding are not necessarily biologically innate abilities of a woman."
Dorfman emphasizes that as parents connect and bond with their children, they learn parenting skills through practice and experience. Although some of this process may be "unconscious," it does not necessarily mean it is instinctual.
Dr. Dorfman explains: "When you become a parent, whether biologically or otherwise, the chemistry in your brain changes. This does not only happen to the birth parent." In fact, research shows that fathers and adoptive parents also experience elevated levels of oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine as they transition into parenthood. This shift in both biological and adoptive parents stems from bonding activities between caregivers and the baby.
Another study found that men and women are equally skilled at identifying the cries of infants. This supports the notion that maternal instinct is a myth.
The researchers conducting this study determined that the amount of time parents spend with their children directly correlates with the ability to identify what an infant's cries mean, rather than the parent's gender.
3. What is the difference between instinct and motivation?
To understand where the term maternal instinct comes from, we first need to understand the difference between instinct and motivation, as they are certainly not the same.
Dr. Gabriela Martorell, a professor of psychology at Virginia Wesleyan University, explains: "In psychology, a physiological drive is a motivational state that stems from a physiological need, and the need forms the basis for that drive."
On the other hand, according to Martorell, instinct is an innate or unintentional response to a stimulus. Instincts are found in all members of a species and are the product of evolutionary pressures shaping behavior over time. In other words, instincts drive behaviors.
Martorell states that humans largely do not have instincts like most other animals. This is because most instincts are rigid, unchangeable, and triggered by a simple stimulus, whereas humans are flexible and adaptable.
Dr. Martorell says: "We may feel hungry, but instead of having a fixed behavior like animals, we can choose to open the refrigerator or walk to a nearby café or go to the grocery store to get food." Although most of our behaviors are strongly influenced by evolution, they are all learnable and can be changed.
According to Dr. Martorell, regarding motherhood, our behavior formation processes in this area are ancient and profound, but it would be inaccurate to call most of them instincts. She also explains that many actions could be better described as parenting behaviors rather than maternal behaviors, as both fathers and mothers are biologically prepared to enter into a bonding relationship with their children.
From an evolutionary perspective, Dorfman explains that humans have reproductive systems with many changes occurring to give birth. She says: "A woman's body undergoes many hormonal changes during pregnancy, and such hormone releases affect behavior, cognition, and emotions. The changes in estrogen hormones and the release of oxytocin ('love hormone') encourage bonding, attachment, and attraction."
However, Dorfman points out that the motivation to become a mother is not always innate, and many healthy women do not experience the "maternal drive." Furthermore, Dr. Monk explains that many people choose not to have children while still displaying the mythic maternal instinct in different ways, such as becoming a dedicated soccer coach to school-age children or a generous and caring teacher. That is why she believes we need to change our perspective and shift from "maternal instinct" to "nurturing instinct," and thereby normalize this behavior. The nurturing instinct is not exclusive to mothers or even just to parents.
4. Changing the mindset that women always have a maternal instinct
The idea that women should want to have children and instinctively know how to care for them creates immense pressure on society and imposes it on individuals. It also diminishes the bonding ability of fathers or other parental figures with children. Both fathers and mothers are equally capable of parenting behaviors.
Such expectations place pressure on everyone, and according to Dr. Monk, it can contribute to postpartum depression. For example, some women (and even men) find the infancy period less enjoyable than they imagined and may feel ashamed about this feeling. These emotions can contribute to self-blame and lead to depression.
According to Dr. Monk, to relieve the pressure from the belief that women always have a maternal instinct, it is crucial for mothers and expecting mothers to remember that raising young children is entirely a learned behavior with significant influences from the past and numerous opportunities to gain new influences and training in the present. There is no natural way for a person to become a good mother.
What we think of as the maternal instinct is just a myth, and maintaining the idea that it is real is making parenting a pressure for mothers. Therefore, let go of those unrealistic expectations. Parenting is a challenge that you learn as you go along with it.
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